July 14, 2008 Hurry up and go nowhere

I feel so rushed, frazzled, untied.

All my plans seem to fall apart. Is it that I'm not planning right? Wanting more than I can have? Not wanting the right things? Or am I just paying off so much bad karma that I'll never get a break?

My hearts desire is unfulfilled. I feel empty, hollow... like my body could be used to generate echoes. Either I've sunk into the deepest depression I've ever experienced or things really are as bad as they seem. I can find joy, or a reasonable facsimile, if I try hard enough. But should it really be that difficult?

And when I think things are getting ready to change, to go a direction more inline with what I've been looking for, it stops abruptly. Just as I start to get a momentum going, and I'm looking forward to changing gears, WHAM! Dead end. I wish I could go back and start over, but I can't go back. I just have to change directions, cut across a black berry field, or though a murky swamp, avoiding snakes and getting bitten by mosquitoes. I'm trying to avoid the mine field, but they way things are looking that'll be my next direction.

Like so many times before - I feel half alive but mostly dead.