March 06, 2008 Our scripts...

We all have them. The scripts we use, over and over again, that direct us to do this or say that. We use them in our jobs, in our walking around every day life, and in our inner most personal relationships. It's just that we aren't necessarily aware we're doing it. I'm not immune. I know I gravitate towards the same types of relationships, the same types of people. But I'm aware of it and when I see that I'm following a script that's not always been the most productive for me (such as taking a job where I have a gut instinct that it's not good for me) I do my best to change the script. It's hard and it takes me out of my comfort zone. How am I going to pay the bills if I don't have a M-F 8-5 job? But, I've made the conscious effort to change that script. We'll see how that pans out.

I was in love once. Well more than once. But one specific time I was madly, crazy in love. And I thought it was going to last forever. But, like all things that are too good to believe, it wasn't true. I was left hurting, for a long time. And I was left wondering what I did wrong and what I could do to change it, fix it, make it all good again. I can't and that's ok. Funny thing was, I didn't use my regular script on that relationship. However, I figured out that he did. He told me enough about his past relationships that I knew ours wouldn't last. He told me how with one woman he was crazy about her, and she was equally crazy about him. It was wonderful while it lasted. But things changed and he ended it. That story scared me and I asked if that was what was going to happen to us. He reassured me it wouldn't. I wanted to believe that was true. But he started pulling away. Life got in the way and it was just too much to do just to stay together. Balancing a career, and child, and a girlfriend became more of a burden than a reward. Anyway, he acted out his script and we broke up.

Now I see signs that the script is being acted out again, and it breaks my heart. There's nothing that can be said, nothing to be done, to make things the way they once were. I feel for those involved as if I were once again involved.

Our scripts can be so damned destructive. Change is scary. It's hard. So why do it? Is it easier to just replay the same old scripts over and over again, hoping next time the ending will be different? Or, better yet, there won't be an ending? If it were only that easy. But, I don't see that it can be. The scripts need to be thrown away. We need to stop repeating our mistakes and do something different.

I hope this didn't offend you. I just felt it needed to be said.