Saturday, October 08, 2005

Using bone fractures as an analogy...

This house is a mess, but it's my house. I pay the mortgage, the insurance, and the bills. Me. No one else. That's how I like it, or so I thought. Yes, I'm independent, self-sufficient, determined to do it all myself. That's who I've been for so long now, I'm not sure I could change. It seems that everytime I think I might be able to depend on someone else for something I get shot dead, point blank, in cold blood. So, here I sit, bleeding again. I'm confused, disoriented, but once again reassured that depending on just myself is the best way to be. It's lonely, sure, but it's so very much safer. I'm secure in my insecurities. I encase myself in a shell with walls that grow thicker each time a crack appears. It's sort of like when you break a bone and in the healing process extra calcium grows where the break occured, providing more protection. If that bone is close to the surface, like a collar bone, then the calcium bump is visible under the skin. It's not attractive, but it's there for a reason. It's a defense against future breaks, but it also serves as a reminder. "Better be careful out there, or you'll get hurt again."